Tuesday, September 7, 2010

who am I?

Every few years or so I find myself trying to "find myself". Cliche, I know, but it happens. And I'm in the throws of a major "finding myself" time right now.

I was perusing some old photos and stumbled upon this one of my feet. It's just my feet, but it's symbolic of the last time I found myself. When I was content with life and ready for the next chapter, whenever it was ready to play out. I was kind to myself. Living in the moment.

And a few weeks later, my life flipped upside down. Seems the universe was ready to turn into the next chapter and it was going to be a whirlwind.

Shortly after this early morning that I snapped a photo of my feet, my father was diagnosed with late stage cancer and his fight for life began. In the throws of this, I met Jonathan and we later learned we were pregnant. And it doesn't stop there... The company I was working for was making budget cuts and I lost a job for the first time in my life. And then my dad died. All in a span of five months...

It felt like all the soul searching I did was for not... But then I realized that it was to prepare me for what was next. To make me stronger. And all of it did! While I have experienced great sorrow, I've experienced intense love and happiness with the births of my daughters.

So why the funk?

As all parents know, babies keep you busy. I don't sleep. I eat on the run. Our laundry piles up. I know nothing of current events. I can't remember the last time I put makeup on. Shoot, there has been more than one occasion when I couldn't remember if I brushed my teeth. Babies are a time (and energy) suck. Period.

And in all of this, I've lost sight of me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love my babies more than anything in the world. They are part if me and I want nothing more than to be their mom. But I find myself so caught up in the day to day that I'm not living in the moment. Trying to combine that woman I was when I snapped that picture of my toes with the mom I am now.

So I find myself searching for me. For that moment that I am worry free (if only for a moment... I do, afterall, have kids) and realize that everything in my world is just as it should be. I'll get there.

Just need to soul search a bit more...

-- Post From My iPad (so please forgive typos)


  1. Such an honest - and relatable - post! As much as I love my daughter, I wholeheartedly agree that it's important to keep a sense of yourself pre-baby as well :) I hope you find yourself again soon.

    And I'm sorry to read about your father.

  2. Thanks for sharing that. I think we all go through times when we need to step back and do something for ourselves and remember that taking care of us helps our kids so much too! Hugs!


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