Saturday, October 8, 2011

his response

I talked a lot with J about my meltdown last night. Confessed to writing to my dead father. On my blog. And he made a great suggestion... Write a letter to myself from my father. I thought it was a great idea. A great way for me to put out there what I know... That my dad was never upset with me. So here goes.

Dear Cam,

You are being far too hard on yourself. One of your best qualities and likely your nemesis is your sensitivity. The way you think things through. Take on other's feelings so deeply. You are and have always been a deeply sensitive person.

I am not angry with you. I never was. My life was ending while your's was beginning, in a way. And you know, better than anybody, that I want nothing more than for you and your brother to have comfortable, full and exciting lives. I worked hard to leave my estate in a good place to help you both achieve this.

I worked hard to stay alive to meet Hadley and I just couldn't make it. I'm sorry, baby. I was so excited to be her grandpa. When I was put in hospice care, you were dealing with a very new relationship, a very new pregnancy and was laid off of your work, that you were so passionate about. Let's throw on top of all this that your dad was dying. I can't imagine what your world looked like then. How confused you must have felt. Devistated. Your world flipped upside down. Everything that was your norm changed in a matter of 90 days. I get it. You had stuff to deal with and you made the appropriate choices. I hung on for you. I stayed here until you were at my side.

I know you have a lot on your mind these days. It makes me sad to know that this is what you are so upset about. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that everything is OK. You have nothing to feel guilty about. We all thought I was going to beat this thing, there was no reason life shouldn't go on as normal.

You spent a great deal of time with me. I know you forced me into the hospital when I failed to take my gout medicine and you sat by my bed and listened to the doctors and kept detailed notes while I lay half-conscious. You made sure I was fed. Even would bring me fatty beef broth from the stew the neighbor brought over, and I am sure that made you gag.

Cam, you, Sean and my wonderful friends helped make me comfortable in the end. You all helped make sure my bed was comfy, my meds were taken and I had food when I wanted it. I know you were sitting next to my bed talking to me. I know how hard it was to tell me that you would be OK and it was OK to go. I remember Sean laying on the bed next to me playing his guitar. I know how hard it was on Sean to wake with me in the night. I remember that last night when I was confused about where the bathroom was... That moment of clarity when I looked you dead in the eye. It was clear. I remembered what was happening. I saw you.

I love you and your brother so much. I hate the pain I have caused with leaving. And how sad you both feel now that you have children that I will never meet. I know you are sad that I'm not here to walk you down the aisle. I'm sad about all of these things, too. I wanted to take that walk with you and know my grandbabies. But please know, that I am just fine. I was not lonely in the end. Nor in pain. I passed with you all around me and excellent music on the radio. Please don't carry this guilt with you anymore. I know you now know what it is to love a child and how fierce that is, so you know how much I love you and your brother. I miss you so much and so wish I was there. But you both continue to make me proud by the good choices you make in life and I so appreciate you telling your girls about me.

I love you, bugs! Keep your chin up.


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