Friday, October 7, 2011

dear dad, I am sorry...

Dear Dad,

Tonight I may have had the mourning meltdown. The pent up sadness I've been keeping since you died. The guilt I've been feeling bubbled over into tears and journal writing. There isn't a day that passes that I don't think of you. Or speak of you. Remember your voice. Or what it felt like to hold your hand in that final moment. It all stops me in my tracks, daily.

But today I faced my guilt. And I don't know if I will ever stop feeling guilty because I have no means of saying this all to you. I don't know if you are or where you are... Maybe this would be easier if my sensibilities were different.

I've felt guilty since the day you were diagnosed that I wasn't there. That Sean was alone with you when you received the news of "stage four cancer". That it was a couple of weeks before I got to you.

I've felt guilty about going home while you were still in the hospital. I know I made sure Sean was there and you were on the road to recovery. I had spent over two weeks with you in the hospital, listening to the doctors concerns and being told the situation was bad. I know I was alone during this time, but no job was so important I should've left. I was scared.

I've felt guilty about not staying longer at Christmas. The image of you watching me leave in the cab is burned in my brain. I was delayed and I should've turned around and gone back. I'm sorry I didn't. I was scared.

I've felt guilty that I wasn't there to receive the final bad news with you. That Sean was there alone. . I should've been there, too. I just never dreamed that was what you would be told in that appointment. I was scared.

I hold horrendous guilt inside of me for not being on the first airplane out of town the second that information was shared with me. It was really shitty of me. I had shit going on, but really, other than my pregnancy, nothing should have stood in my way. And I let it. I was selfish. I was scared.

I wish I could go back and change these things. I wish I could go back and be a better daughter. I wish I didn't let my fear of unemployment get in the way or the fear that the other stuff wouldn't resolve. I wish I took a step back, was brave and did the things I needed to do. To be there with you sooner.

But I didn't. And I am ashamed.

So maybe this is my meltdown. Me missing you so badly that my legs become heavy and my heart thumps in my ears. I feel terribly guilty. But I know I need to get past it. Somehow.

But for now, I'm sad. I wish I could call you right now and tell you this. I wish I could hear your voice on the other end say "Oh, Baby, everything is OK." I wish I could have just another day. Just one more.

I love you, dad. I'm sorry I wasn't better.

- Cam

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