purpose

I have been given the greatest purpose on the planet of being a mom. I love every second of it. I've never laughed so much, cried with pride so much or loved the way that I do Hadley. I am grateful for her every second of every day and I can not imagine my life without her.

But when we learned of her arrival, my life was going through some major transitions. My dad was fighting for his life battling cancer and finally giving into the disease. My company was going through transitions and I lost a job for the first time in my life. Falling in love and then learning I was pregnant with that person I had only known for a short time. If the universe plays a hand in our destinies, it was certainly trying to teach me a lesson. My life was turned upside down and I have been forced to try to figure out my purpose.

It's been near two years since I stopped working in the traditional sense. Shortly after I was laid off, my dad was put in hospice and quickly died and I was left managing his business. Crash course in estate management, real estate and starting a business. While I am very lucky that my dad left me with what he did, I'd give it all back for another five minutes with him.

But here we are, a year and a half later. Hadley was born. She is a year, so independent and becoming more and more self sufficient. We have purchased a home (that we wont move into until June). My father's estate is complete. My tenants are happy. Money is situated. A new baby on the way. And here I am, at the time of calm, wondering what my purpose is. Should I take classes? Should I get a part time job (which is probably impossible given the economy)?

What is my ultimate purpose?

Will there be a time that I come back to who I was prior to the complete 180 that happened in the last couple of years? Will I enjoy reading again? Going to movies? Rock climbing? Traveling? Will I have the time to do these things again? (An interesting questions considering I am half way implying that I am bored).

I guess I don't know the answer. I do know, I am forever changed from losing my dad. My children have forever changed me. But I do think I need to start taking more time for myself, get over the guilt of leaving my child for a few hours, and do some good things for me to help me remember what it was like to give to myself. I'm not talking about being selfish in the negative sense, in the sense of remembering who you are.

I'm just rambling... stuff on my mind. I am in the early, gross stages of pregnancy, my kid is into everything, it's stifling hot and I have a cold. I am just poopy :(