Monday, April 19, 2010

guilty irritation

One of the most upsetting things to me about raising an (infant) toddler with a newborn is the irritation I feel towards her at times.  It's terrible that I'm even admitting this, but I must be honest here.

Don't get me wrong...  Hadley is the most beautiful, sweet, loving and (generally) well behaved child with the best personality.  What's not to love!?  I'm so in love with her I feel like I keep myself from bursting every moment, of every day in the short 21 months she has been with us.

But since baby has arrived, she has a needy side that often comes out in wirey misbehavior.  Especially at night. At bedtime.  And while I know what is happening (and really if this is what it is, it's not that bad in comparison to what I've heard), I can't be angry and must keep patient.  But then there is that long night happened with our, sometimes, collicy newborn, and I am over the top exhausted, I find myself feeling irritated.  

And I hate it.  Then I cry. Because I'm irritated.  And I feel bad about feeling irritated. Which is completely irrational.

Jonathan, bless his patients with me, reminds me that my kids don't have to please me every moment of every day.  It's OK to feel irritated.  And there are plenty of irritating moments to come.  That it doesn't diminish the mommy I am to her.

All this makes me feel better.

But I still feel terrible when I feel irritated with her.

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