Friday, April 6, 2012

facing the harsh realities and forgiving myself

I think something I have struggled with a lot is truly finding me. Being good with me. Being good with where I am in my life. Enjoying every second. Living in the moment and not fretting about the future.

I fret. A lot.

When I'm busy and doing all the things I think I should be doing, I notice this less. I am working, have a decent income, taking my girls to the park and reading to them at night. I go to the gym, eat my vegetables and drink plenty of water.

But when life slows down a bit, I get caught up in the uncertainties. And convince myself that I'm not doing it well enough. I worry that I spend too much money. That I don't play with my kids enough. That I weigh too much and that my blood pressure "might" be too high. My life slows down, then my head gets consumed with worry that I probably don't need to be worrying about. I lose sleep over these things.

And what I'm realizing is that most of the time I am living in one of these two extremes, and not living in the moment. I'm not kind to myself. Not walking outside and enjoying the crispness of the air, or the way to wind feels on my face. Enjoying every second of my kids laughter.

Several years a go I made a life change. I quit a job I loved and did well with, and moved back to San Francisco. Around the same time, a dear friend of mine did the same thing, only she moved abroad. Shortly after she arrived at her new residence, she sent me the book Eat, Pray, Love and the timing couldn't have been better. While I am far from religious, I do consider myself spiritual and this book spoke to me at the time, especially Italy. While I wasn't in a new country, it encouraged me to engage in my surroundings, albeit not new to me except that I was living in San Francisco as a working professional and not a college student.

Last weekend it was on cable, so I DVRd it and finally watched the whole thing through. And it spoke to me in a different way. What I took away this time was what happened in India. To face the really hard realities about myself, then forgive myself. Facing the uglies, the things that aren't so great, acknowledging them and forgiving myself so I let them go. So I don't have those extreme days and I learn to live in the moment.

I guess I don't have a huge purpose for this post other than to write. I process my thoughts. Share what's on my mind. In this moment.

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